The Top 10 Ways of Having an Utterly Smashing Night Out

University Freshers’ Week can be ever so daunting, with new faces appearing every which way and an overwhelming expectation to “PARTY HARD!!!!!!!” to the point of disturbing exhaustion and tears until Christmas comes.

But somehow Semester Two and “Refreshers” have come around, and by now, Sas and I consider ourselves professionals at making it through the most surreal of nights out (almost) unscathed.

Thus we have dubbed ourselves completely qualified to assist anybody who ever plans on going on a night out ever again. Here is our comprehensive list of “The Top 10 Ways of Having an Utterly Smashing Night Out*!”, not at all inspired by true and real events of the past few months … You’re welcome.

1)     If your shower is making suspicious gurgling noises and all of the toilets in your flat refuse to flush during the day, definitely don’t do anything about it before embarking on a night out. No, no, really – you’ll want to leave it until the early hours of the morning when you stumble back in and find yourself homeless because of major sewage problems in the building. Trying to salvage your precious belongings from the sewer-flood is like a nifty treasure hunt, while begging your brand new friends to lend you their kitchen floor to nap on is a great flat-bonding activity.

Foam out of the sink? The sign of a GOOD TIME!

2)     If you are seriously ill, go on a night out! It’ll take your mind off the illness, and will prevent you from being called a weakling. Furthermore, once you’re out, you may as well drink copious amounts of alcohol. It’ll make you feel better. On the off chance that it doesn’t, and you end up being dragged by a fangirl into a mosh pit during Nick Grimshaw’s DJ set and then throwing up in the middle of the crowd… Oh well. It’s a handy test for finding out who your true pals are when you are left to fend for yourself in a horde of raving teens.

A distance from the stage that's worth the upchuck reflex

3)     Never pre-drink in a flat with stable ventilation. Pick the venue with the fewest windows and vents you can find – where’s the fun of pre-ing if you’re hydrated, sweat-free and conscious?

4)     If a flatmate leaves a night out early, it is always a good idea to convince them that they have missed something exciting. For instance, why not stage a 'cosy moment' between another two flatmates? There will be nothing like the panic the party-leaver feels at the prospect of flatmate incest. A friendly, gentle reminder that bailing on a club night will be punished.

5)     If a friend is selling tickets to a club to make him or herself a profit, definitely go along, regardless of the club, its whereabouts, or its reputation. It is actually quite soothing to be in a near-silent club that is so empty you can feel the onset of frostbite.

6)     Try to climb bicycle racks. All of them. You can’t go wrong.

Nothing a bit of Arnica can't solve.

7)     Chugging vodka is invariably a great idea. In fact, chugging vodka is a renowned method of staving off those pesky paramedics!

8)     If you don’t feel that you’re looking your best, there’s no need to be camera shy – just drink a little more, so that you’re simply unaware of the paparazzi snapshotting your every move. Tomorrow, it will be a refreshing and fun way to reflect on the night’s antics.

9)      Planning a night out in the country’s capital? Why not pick a Sunday evening? You’ll love the gentle lull of the ghost town, and it will make you consider some thought-provoking questions, like, “If the population of London is over eight million, why have we only seen one family of Dutch tourists, and a stray cat?”

10)  If you feel a little too drunk to stay out, be sensible and have a responsible friend bundle you into a taxi back to your accommodation... Then get the alcohol out of your system by the quickest means, find a different group of friends and get a taxi straight back to the club. Why waste a good night?

*These are guidelines only and for your own safety, please do not follow any of them. As Saskia calls out to me every time I leave the flat without her (so, once, weeks ago): “Be safe!”

Saskia being utterly, utterly safe.

~ The Sassy Fox